Small Penis

Up, Up and Away

N is on his way to Barcelona. We woke up early this morning to send him off. It's strange not seeing him for almost 2 weeks. I know, I know...sound like such a baby. But we haven't been apart from one another for more than one or two nights since I moved here to Cville. Good to be on my own, show myself that I can do it myself, cause he does spoil me like crazy. Leaving tomorrow to take the bar exam. Can't wait to head home. I'm going to cram more info my smushy brain.

Four Tet

Get Remix. It's good. Love it or else.

Chemo Brain

MMG calls up crying - I'm going to attribute it to chemo brain. That what she has heard it called - the irrational mood swings, the crying for no reason, the ups and downs several all in one day. She's never been a good sick person but it's draining - there's no one else she wants to call or lean on. This is what happens when you are the only child of a widow. And there's nothing I can do. There were so many nights where I couldn't sleep, just praying for her approval of my move here, and start over. When we learned of the cancer, I thought I was going to have to move home, but N convinced me not to, unless it was absolutely necessary. He knows what would happen if I went back home. I finally stopped making myself stress to the point of being worried sick about her when I moved here, and it would start all over again. I'd end up back lying on some poor man's couch forcing myself to talk to some stranger who convinces me he knows what I'm feeling when I don't even know. I think I'm looking more forward to the treatments being over than she is. My happiness cannot depend on whether she is happy. I know she can't wait for me to come home. And I can't wait to see her happy.

Keller

Williams - new CD coming home today. Need something to drown out the legalese in my head.

Puffy Eyes

Woke up puffy today, cried a lot last night. I have been so stressed out becuase of this stupid exam. It wasn't like this last time - last time I had people around me going through the stress with me. Other people's stress shouldn't make me feel better, but I didn't feel so alone. N and I got into a fight last night - we've been quibbling more lately because of all the stress that I am under. This is so much harder than last time, and I finally boiled over because of it. Even missed the last 15 minutes of Grey's Anatomy because I was such a mess. Ugh, I see the light but it's not bright enough.

Stayed home today - didn't feel like facing the library again. Probably going to be the last time I go to the library in a while. 3 more days of studying, then I drive to Norfolk. Please G-d, I hope I don't have to do this again. Hopefully this will be the last time.

Last night I had a dream that N was going to propose with a ring. He was wearing the ring around his neck on a necklace- like Carrie in Sex and the City after Aiden proposes. And I saw the ring around his neck but was mad at myself cause I wanted it to be a surprise. And we were running errands while he was wearing this ring around his neck. In fact this really did happen - when N gave me the hamsa that I wear around my neck. He wore it first so it would be like he was giving me something of his. I remember seeing it when we were kissing.

Okay, gotta pull through this. I can't wait to do the things I love when this is over. I want to explore more with my sewing machine, set up the office with all my crafts, make my cards, paint, knit, work on our garden. We've both been in such yucky moods. And I can't keep saying, I'll start my like after I finish X, Y and Z. This is my life dangit! I'm gonna take a bunch of stuff to play with when I go back to mom's house. Definitely some knitting and maybe some sewing stuff. Mom used to sew so much when she was younger. hasn't touched a sewing machine since I've been around, but I bet she will love to play with it.

Oh, and gotta finish shopping for my Secret Swap Pal. Can't wait to hit some of the thrift stores up in Maryland. Also maybe stop by Old Ellicott City - their is so much shopping to do there. I promise, the rantings and ramblings will stop soon.

Less Than a Week

Until I take the bar exam. I just can't wait for this to be over...not really so that I am one step closer to getting a better job that not only pays more, but maybe so I can do what I've been studying for the past 3 years to do, but more because I am exhausted. Hours and hours spent studying in a library where I know no one. Not a single soul. But I people watch, maybe I'll spot someone studying for the same exam. I talk to Michelle about 5 times a day. She's my other half through this. She's going through the same exact thing, just for a different state. We try to study together, like we did for the Maryland exam, but as hard as we try to make it the same, we just can't.

Noey leaves for Barcelona on Sunday - 5 am bright and early at the school to board the bus taking him to Richmond. I am so jealous of him and the trip he is taking, but also looking forward to spending time at home with mom, as she prepares for her last chemo treatment. I'm a little scared to see her without hair, but we'll make jokes, I'm sure. I know she's tired, and she needs help to do the simple tasks of cleaning, grocery shopping, keeping life in order.

Off to study more.

I came across another blog of someone who I admire, and now I have the confidence to speak openly here. Not sure if that's healthy, to base my confidence on another's courage, but what the hell.

Favorite Color Swap 2

I am participating in the Favorite Color Swap 2 and here are the questions and answers that will help shed some light to my swap partner about me!

What are your top three favorite colors? Blue, Green, Yellow

What crafts do you really enjoy? I am addicted to knitting (as many knitters are). I also dabble a little in painting cards and paper crafts.

What products do you really covet? Yarn, journals, funky art

What other activities do you enjoy besides your favorite crafty things? I love reading books, especially new fiction (hate going into Barnes and Noble b/c it's rare that I leave empty-handed), I like to hike and garden.

Is there anything you collect? Nope, i don't have a collection of anything (unless yarn counts)

What is your zodiac sign and/or Chinese zodiac symbol? Aquarius

What are your favorite……
...scents/smells? - I love candles that smell not too fruity but that make a room smell comfortable and cozy (not a great description - sorry)

…types of music and/or bands? I love New Orleans funk music (Cowboy Mouth, Galactic, Rebirth Brass Band). I used to live in New Orleans (I went to Tulane University for my undergraduate degree); I also love women's folk music (Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Sim Redmond Band, Indigo Girls, Ani Difranco)

…authors? I can't narrow it down to a specific author - but I love fiction books - newly released fiction - they usually tend to be bestsellers

…animals? Puppies, puppies, puppies! I sound like such a yuppie.

…places to shop? Anthropologie, yard sales/thrift stores, anything vintage

…season? spring…yarn/fabric/paper/other craft supplies? Definitely don't have a favorite yarn but I do love soft yarn that is multi-colored to make scarves, and other accessories, like a cushion cover, etc. As for paper products and other craft supplies, I just got a sewing machine so I am hoping to learn (of course, after the bar exam) and I love making cards for people, either painting them, making limoleum prints, rubber stamping, those kinds of craft materials.

…candies or goodies? hmmm...I'm not much of a candy person.

Do you have any wish lists? Yes, I have a wish list on Amazon.com of knitting books.

Are you allergic to anything? Nope.

Do you have any pets? What are they? I don't have any pets, but I am in the process of convincing my boyfriend to get a puppy (see above). I think we will definitely have one by the summer.

Please include anything else you would like your secret pal to know about you- anything that would be helpful in finding you little gifts that you will really enjoy. I am pretty easy to please - i love books, journals (i love having them around to write down notes and ideas), funky magnets for the fridge, anything to decorate walls - cool photos, and of course, yarn.

I hope this helps. It's hard to sum up what you like - I like a lot of things:)

Mag and a cup of tea (or two or three)

I sent off several magazine articles and four cups of tea to my swap partner. I hope she takes the time to sit, relax and read with a cup of tea in hand. I certainly don't take enough time to read, quietly, sipping a cup of hot tea of cocoa. The only thing I've been reading quietly is hundreds of pages of bar review material. I look forward to getting my package - curious to read something new not having to do with the law.

Now I need to start gathering items for the next swap. Of course, it will be much easier when I find out who my secret pal is. Unfortunately, I haven't been knitting much lately. I did finish Jackie's scarf. It turned out pretty beautiful, if I do say so myself. While I love the pattern, it took longer than I expected. Probably won't knit another one anytime soon...but glad I could give it to her.

The only other knitting I've done is working on the secret project for my mom. I don't want to share too much about, at least not until I put it together. Hope to post some pics of Jackie's scarf soon.