Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Stream of consciousness

I say this every year, but I mean it every single year. I can't believe it's been 9 years since my father died. The time has gone by so quickly. It feels like it was just yesterday I was sobbing into my sister's arms when she told me. That is a moment engraved in my mind. I remember thinking I will never in my life be able to think of my father and not cry. But look at me, sitting here writing of my father's death and not one tear comes. It's a true testament that time does wonders for grief and loss.

I am passionately jealous of my sisters who had my father walk them down the aisle on their wedding day. I want that so badly. I want my father to hold my first child. I want my father to see me argue in a courtroom. I want my father to meet my husband. I always contemplate how N and he would get along. I'm sure they would have gotten along very well - he would be so proud of both of us.

I remember when I would sing in school performances and my father would be wiping tears from his eyes. I remember holding my father's hand when we would drive in the car. I remember my father giving me a thumbs-up from the audience when I graduated from high school. I remember packing up my father's office after he died and finding that he framed my first report card from college.

God I miss him.


elizabeth said...

Last week, during a regular chat, my father pointed out to me that there would be a day when he would not be here for me. I don't think he knows how terrifying that is. I am my father's daughter and I can't imagine being without him.

You're strength is inspiring, and your continued devotion is touching. And I agree that your post is a testament to the power of time in the grieving process. I also think that you are right that your father would be proud.

Nerdring said...

Hi Sami,

I've hesitated to comment because it's hard to find words for what I want to say.

I think that your love of life and your sparkling persona are a testament to your strength. You've had a lot put on you in the last 9 years, and yet you have made it through. And now, you have this amazing wedding and even more amazing fiancee to look forward to. No doubt, your father is proud. And we are all proud of you and Noah.

Always Freed said...

Thank you both for your sweet words.